glowingfish

woke up depressed, went to bed not feeling good and slept really poorly. the evening was fun but the food really messed me up. it's so sad. i was enjoying feeling okay there for a while. my pain has increased, or maybe my notice of it, at the surgery site. so annoyed.

another one of my customers has fallen victim to breast cancer. she has stage 2a and it's "curable" but she has a daunting program ahead of her and has already lost all of her hair. it's so frustrating and sad that this keeps happening all around me. the reminder last night of madoc's loss maybe messed me up, too. it's a huge loss and so frustrating, that it might have been preventable. his kind of cancer responds really well to treatment before it metastasizes, but he never considered to get checked because he was so young. ugh.

it's been so sunny and beautiful.

natasha went to stay at Cynthia's and I just feel better, I adore her but I just don't feel like I can do right by her, she's too intensely amazing for me to not feel intimidated and unworthy of her presence, or something.

anyway the cat dynamic is a bit better. I can wear Taiga out with toys and running up and down the stairs so that he doesn't pester Avalanche, I can play with her in different ways so that she can also get attention and bonding. natasha doesn't play with cats as much as I do. I learned a long time ago that this interaction is more important to them than grooming or petting, for their well-being. but it takes a ton of effort. they need personal engagement and stimulation. so. both cats are much happier and calmer, now. also just time passing, this is their forth day together, they've figured it out. fortunately they're related and have similar personalities, they're doing fine. Taiga is eating all of Avalanche's raw food, i think maybe just because it is different. so I just feed them double, seems to be working. Avalanche is eating his kibble which is not great but it's only for a little while.

I wanted to go do Dog Mountain today but aside from being depressed, my foot is throbbing from Saddle sunday and a lot of paved walks exploring the neighborhood, and it's so frigid. I'm just sad because the rain comes back tomorrow and I wanted to take as much advantage as possible to get outside in the sun. But, Josh wants to ride bikes today, hopefully that will happen and it will help. He wants to go to the coffee shop and then bike, it should be fun, and a nice way to enjoy the sunshine. I just... wanted more cardio than that.

I miss aerial so much.

It's really hard for me to groom or change clothes. I haven't been taking my vitamins. Food has been weird. ( weight issues. ) I miss feeling good.

...

I want to go to the coop, I should have done that this morning. Pick up some things I can't get anywhere else. But, I can go tonight I guess. Then I can get more food for Avalanche also.

Pretty sure I'm skipping all the festivities tonight. I just feel too gross.

...

I am sooooo annoyed by women online in their 30s trying to talk about what to do about perimenopause. First of all, good luck when you're 50. Secondly, the effects are totally individual and different for everyone, so what works for your 30-something body most likely does not apply to most of us. It's all just about selling supplements or workout routines or whatever.

It's such a shitty process to go through, it feels like death, it's so awful. I hate it and I'm so bitter about it. Now with the breast health scare, I am likely going to have to ween myself off of estrogen, the only thing that was making any of it bearable. But even then, even then, it only really took the edge off. The stabbing knife vaginal pain at totally random intervals throughout the day scares me a lot though, I'm really afraid that will come back. I can't even talk about the lack of sex drive. My sleep never improved, my skin never improved, my joints hurt the same, my metabolism is the same amount fucked. My mood was already bad and it's so much worse. There's nothing to be done but just watch my beloved sweet strong determined body break down all around me, to watch my carefully honed discipline falter, to watch the beauty and joy of everyday things become obscured and unreachable, it's such an utter nightmare.

I'm so tired.

I am grateful that my husband is not super big into celebrating new years. it's just an arbitrary date.

I feel so much pressure to work and I just don't want to. But I know long-term it would be better to make myself work more. I feel like I'm disappointing everyone. It sucks.

I need to set aside some time for grief and tears. There is too much loss, and these sorts of arbitrary drinking holidays trigger the stabbing pain that comes with that sort of underlying constant grieving the miserable death of of my parents and early loss of my friends.