A history of attraction (with a little behind the cut)

[glowingfish]

 Hello, this is a pretty normal and maybe cute history of how I felt attraction, but I am going to see if I can use a cut, because it might touch on things that are somewhat disturbing. 

 

So, I remember having crushes as far back as...kindergarten. I actually had a girlfriend in kindergarten. She was our pastor's daughter. All through elementary school, I would get crushes on girls my own age, and was also interested in adult women. I mean, this was all in an appropriate way, I think, but I remember being very interested in Vanna White. Maybe some of my teachers at school, as well---like, I didn't really understand it, but I felt some level of attraction. So one thing about this is, as a kid, and really up until the time you are a young adult, the girls in your class are probably going to be ahead of you. There you are, maybe at 10 or 11, and you are a grubby, lumpy little boy running around and yelling or staring at books about bugs. And at the same time, the girls your same age are already aware of their self-presentation, aware of their social roles, and are experimenting with relationships, or at least are talking about it or thinking about it. So, for me, one of the points of fascination and attraction was that girls were more mature. I mean, at least as I perceived it---like obviously putting on lip gloss was only a part of the story. But on the surface, yeah, girls were more mature than me until my early 20s. Which is why I don't understand the idea of men liking younger women, and especially liking women being subservient, simpering or kittenish, because that was just so far outside of my own real experience, where it was always the girls who were being chosen to be class leaders, and who knew how to act adult. 

 

 

Also, of course, that is me writing about my experiences as I understood it at the time, and how gender roles existed when I would have first started understanding that part of the world. Of course, there is much bigger of a story from the other side.